Therapeutic Thoughts

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When Pain is the Present

As many of us exercise mindfulness as a tool to enhance equanimity and emotional well-being, we may find it difficult to reconcile what seems like a conflict. On the one hand, we want to allow ourselves to experience all feelings, even the ones that bring discomfort or pain, while on the other hand we strive to accept that which we realistically cannot change. For example, how can we accept the grief over the death of a loved one, the loss of employment or a school year or a relationship, or over watching a parent deteriorate physically and cognitively? How can we accept what we so much wish to be different, while embracing the sadness, anguish and helplessness attached to that reality? Perhaps the key is to honour both ends. We can make room for the feelings, like setting daily "worry time" or "crying time" over what is scary, frustrating or painful, AND create a space for some compassionate radical acceptance like saying to ourselves "I wish things could be d

Us Too- Part 2

About 2 weeks ago, a man asked women on Facebook the following question: "If every night there was a lock-down for men only, from 8:00 PM to 8:00 AM, what would you do (that you don't currently do for fear of getting hurt)?" In a moving blog post, Maya Tevet-Dayan*, notes that hundreds of responses were received. Women said that they would go to the beach on their own, walk alone on city streets after dark, ride their bikes in the fields near their homes, not worry when they send their daughters to the store or to a friend's house. What simple and mundane replies! Tevet-Dayan rightfully laments the expropriation of the public realm so that girls and women simply have no claim on it or the opportunity to exist in public spaces safely, when they are alone. If you are not a girl or a woman, of any age, you most likely have never had the experience of knowing, all the time, that you can be hurt in the community. Stares, catcalling, body-shaming, being followed, being sho

Us Too- Part 1

I recently met a young woman who was told by another therapist that an experience she had in high school "was not sexual assault". Without getting into the details of the incident (it actually WAS an assault), I want to focus here on confusion. In this world of changing, sometime conflicting, messages on what is expected of young people of all genders, in a global environment of instant gratification (Likes, for example) and lack of careful future planning (the climate crisis, for instance), where leaders are mostly measured by their wealth or fame rather than their vision for their community, is it any wonder that so many have no clear set of values to follow? We'd all like to think that the children we are raising, our friends, colleagues, fellow students would never hurt anyone, but every person who abused, assaulted or raped has family members and friends who are shocked to learn of the horrific pain this person caused others. What messages are we sending to boys abo

Honouring the Available

What a year we are having! From early 2020, we have been dealing with the pain and loss of Corona-related illness and deaths, isolation, uncertainty, financial strain and loneliness. We are also seeing important shifts toward a more just, less racist, less greedy societies. It is quite the turmoil and it requires two things that most of us have difficulty doing- slowing down, and surrendering to the unknown. This is particularly challenging if you are a planner/organizer, who finds comfort in structures, preparations and set timelines. It may feel like you have no anchor beneath you, like everything is chaotic, unpredictable and unsound, as if the ground beneath you is shaky. There are many online resources on calming and grounding methods, and on practical tools for creating a structure for oneself is this somewhat structure-less time. What I suggest we add is a gentle, compassionate, self-assessment tool: "What is available to me right now?". The answer can direct us away

Emotional Fixers- Rewards and Risks

Are you an emotional fixer? Is it your role to make sure that the people you care about are happy and content? That there is harmony- always- and agreement for everyone around you? While peace and understanding are goals for which to strive, you may want to ask yourself a few questions: Is the harmony coming at the cost of minimizing, even eliminating, your own needs? Who assigned you this role? Are you trying to fix someone else's emotional distress for them? I believe that respectful conflict is essential to healthy relationships and that disagreements can be one way in which values are explored and refined. In my personal and professional experience, I have seen the emotional fixer take the impossible task of pleasing others and trying to heal wounds that are not their own, but it is never enough... We all have a responsibility to do our own emotional work. You can be caring, loving and supportive while setting healthy boundaries between you and others. Otherwise, the risk to y

Hand in hand

I recently spoke with a very seasoned therapist about the role of the therapist in the therapeutic process- is it to witness and contain, to observe and accompany or to help facilitate change? Should transformation come only as a result of the individual reaching insight on their own, or can the therapist take a more active role? There are recent peer-reviewed studies showing that the outcome of therapy is very closely tied to therapists' characteristics , much more than to the type of therapeutic modality (like CBT, DBT, etc.). "Interestingly, more effective psychiatrists, meeting regularly with patients, achieve better outcomes administering a placebo than do less effective psychiatrists administering antidepressant medication (McKay, Imel, & Wampold, 2006)!" 1 Among the qualities found to be necessary for effective therapists is creating an alliance that is steeped in empathy, collaboration, optimism and hope. Beyond the research, I believe that most individu